Dear Jim Hendry,
Rumor has it that you may be batting around the idea of signing the recently dismissed San Diego Padres' outfielder Jim Edmonds. There are a few reasons why you are not allowed to do such a dumb thing.
1. Nobody in Chicago likes him. Nobody in Chicago will EVER like him. Nobody in Chicago likes his upper cut swing. Nobody in Chicago likes how he turns routine plays into "spectacular" with his unnecessary diving. Nobody in Chicago likes how he sprints around the bases after he hits a home run. Nobody in Chicago likes the fact that he wears guyliner.
2. He sucks. I mean this guy really sucks.
- 2004 OPS: 1.061
- 2005 OPS: 0.918
- 2006 OPS: 0.821
- 2007 OPS: 0.728
- 2008 OPS: 0.498
Talk about a nosedive. Felix Pie, as bad as he's been so far this year, has an OPS of 0.572 in 2008, and he has about 5 steps on Edmonds in centerfield at this point in Edmonds career. Reed Johnson's 2008 OPS is 0.662 and he probably has 3 steps on Edmond's in centerfield.
3. Did we mention guyliner?
4. The Cubs have already maxed out on the "scrappy white guys Jim Hendry loves" quota for the season when he signed Reed Johnson. Reed Johnson, 31 years old, coming off an injury is one thing. Jim Edmonds, 38 years old, and sucking so bad that the LAST PLACE SAN DIEGO PADRES let him go is another thing. One scrappy white guy off the waiver wire is enough.
5. Signing Jim Edmonds would be like, when Saddam Hussein was overthrown in Iraq, the United States signing newly free agent Saddam Hussein to run a cabinent position in the White House. Cubs fans hate Jim Edmonds so much, I AM COMPARING HIM TO SADDAM HUSSEIN, A RUTHLESS DICTATOR. Please, control your mancrush on scrappy has-beens.
Please let Jim Edmonds just hang them up. Or let some other sucker waste money on him. If you sign Edmonds, may God have mercy on your soul.
Best Regards (unless you sign Jim Edmonds, which you should then go fuck yourself),