Alfonso Soriano must bat 1.000, pitch no-hitters, solve financial crisis

Greg Couch is putting the entire playoffs on Alfonso Soriano's shoulders. Not the Cubs. Not the team in a team sport. Alfonso Soriano. It's all on him.

Take one pitch, Alfonso. Just one. Send a sign. Show that you mean it, that you've really changed.

Why is he taking pitches, again? Soriano batted .280/.344/.532 this season for the highest scoring offense in the National League.

On the first pitch this season when Alfonso swings, he's batting .414/.424/.776, so why is he taking the first pitch again?

And how did I come with this number? It's called research. You can do that on the internet. Try it sometime.

Last year, you swung at the first pitch in the playoffs, swung as hard as you could and grounded out. Take one today against the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game 1 of the division series.

I see, so the Cubs lost the series because Soriano got the first out of the game on the first pitch. Once again, Alfonso Soriano is batting .414/.424/.776 when he swings at the first pitch. If Derek Lowe grooves one to start off the bottom of the 1st, Alfonso Soriano better be swinging. End of story.

Alfonso Soriano had better be good. He had better be better than he was last year if the Cubs are going where they belong: the World Series.

Actually everybody on the Cubs needs to be better than last year. Not just Soriano. Why single out Soriano?

''I have to select at home plate,'' he said the other day. ''I have to select and take my pitch. That's what I'm trying to work on.''

You mean, you really changed your thinking based on last year's playoff disaster?

Wait a second. So the entire Cubs season hinges on whether or not Alfonso Soriano is taking pitches at the plate? That is just so ridiculously absurd. It has nothing to do with the other 7 hitters in the lineup along with Soriano, no no no. It's all on Soriano's ability to take a couple pitches. Un-fucking-believable. And the media wonders why nobody takes them seriously anymore, that nobody takes their word as scripture anymore.

This time, they are for real. In real terms, they need Soriano.

And the other 24 guys on the roster. If Soriano hits well and the others don't, are you saying the Cubs win the World Series? Cause it sure sounds like it and you would be dead fucking wrong.

And it does seem he has changed. At the time, it seemed impossible to forget Soriano's play against Arizona last year. The best way to describe it? Me, me, me. He had only two singles the whole series, and one of them was a fly ball to the wall. He made it only to first because he had stood at the plate to admire it and show off.

Aramis Ramirez had 0 hits. Cliff Floyd had 0 hits. Geovany Soto had 1 hit. The team batted .194 for the series. So why does Soriano only get the blame?

Here was Soriano, the highest-paid player, the guy who was supposed to put the Cubs over the top. And he didn't look as if he understood baseball.

Don't you think your salary makes people look to you for more?

Aramis Ramirez had 0 hits and struck out 5 times. That was Soriano's fault, too, huh?

''Can be,'' he said. ''But that's nothing to me. I'm human, not Superman or whatever.''

No. Human is Ryan Theriot, Reed Johnson.

So is that a slam on Theriot and Reed Johnson? Does that mean Ronny Cedeno is Superman, since he wasn't mentioned in the human comment? Why does Aramis Ramirez get a pass for last year but Soriano doesn't?

Has he really changed? He can prove it on the first pitch.

I hope to God he swings and belts one into the seats. And if he doesn't, oh well. The game doesn't end there, despite what Greg says.